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Samsatus @SamZee


In my head.

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Story time ^^

Posted by SamZee - September 1st, 2012

EDIT: after someone else criticized my story, I changed some bits, not very large changes but it should have a better construction now :P.

EDIT2: changed some bits in the structure (again..) after the hugely appreciated critics of MaartenC, someone please tell me something about the length of the sentences now? I tried my best on changing that, and put some 'semicolon, is it?' in it as well.

Yay, indeed, it has come this far that I, at last, make my second news post.
It has been a long time since I made the last one, I believe. Don't know for sure though.
Anyway, as you may have guessed while reading the title, I made a little story for you ^^.
Nono, you can thank me later.
But seriously, I don't expect anything good from it, since it is my first story in English (my English vocabulary isn't that big).

Well, I only want to say more that this idea for a story came from a drawing I made :P. I'll include it in the post so you can laugh about my sucky sketches too.
Here we go:

It was night; a nice, cold, winter night.
No cloud could be seen above the rooftops of High Standard.
The village lived up to its name, since every year a garden competition, every month a neighbourhood meeting and every week house inspection was given. House inspection in a way, that some people walk by and 'inconspicuously' look through every window to see if there was anything suspicious going on.
Yes, the people in High Standard were indeed very social, and that's why he hated this place.
He had already lived here for over 5 years and every year life became worse in this dreadful, boring place. Nothing happened around here, not even the slightest change in this perfect little village-life. All the days he lived here had been boring and if you'd ask him what he had done on a day, any day, he wouldn't be able to remember it, every day was the same; every day, working in that old shoelace factory where the cobwebs were dripping from the ceiling, so old and antique was that building and its contents.
Therefore, he decided to live his real life at night.
At night, everything was darker; seemed more interesting, mysterious maybe. He often went outside for a little evening-walk, just to breathe the fresh and nice nightly air.
But today he didn't go for a walk. He just stayed home, along with the neighbour's cat he had to babysit for four weeks; the owners were on holiday.
He didn't know why, but he felt like it would become an interesting night.
At last.
Silently, he looked up to the stars, which were blinking in high contrast with the pitch-black sky. It reminded him of old days. He used to watch the stars every night, with his mother. Maybe he got the interest for nightly activity from her. She was very interested in stars, planets and all the other unknown things that were hovering in outer space. Unfortunately, she wasn't with him any more, he had really liked her.
Suddenly, he saw something moving in the sky and immediately his thoughts were back to modern life. He squeezed his eyes to tiny slits, in an attempt to see more clearly, but it didn't work. The only thing he could see, was a small black dot, moving across the stars, growing bigger. It couldn't be a plane or a helicopter, they don't move like that.
He looked at it more closely. It was nearer now, you could see some shape in it. While it drew nearer, it looked to him as if a giant bird had some problems with flying. The thing didn't try to move the extensions which, he thought, were wings.
Further down it fell.

Yes, to be continued >:). Or not, of course. Maybe I want to keep this idea for myself ^^.
And I'm not gonna tell what it is on the picture, it would be a huge spoiler, and I don't want you to know what's happening in a story that isn't even fully written, now would I :)?

Samwise, signing off.

*idd, Samwise from LotR. And it seems I can't ask if you got a problem around here, so I won't :P.

Story time ^^

Comments (4)

Hm... I like it though there are some flaws. Are you willing to accept a review of this?


Yeahyeah, review! *jumps up and down*
I was actually hoping that you would review this, since you're writing a really good story :P.
because I want to be unexpected, that's why.

Dat zal ik in het Nederlands doen dan.

Opzich leest alles wel lekker, maar wat meteen opvalt als ik de eerste drie regels lees, is dat je zinnen best kort zijn (niet heel erg, maar de ervaren lezer zal dit kunnen opvatten als 'lezen voor dummies'), plus je tikt erg snel de enter-toets in. Als je niet aan een nieuwe regel begint, of als het niet ech nodig is, zoals in de eerste twee/drie zinnen, zou ik ook geen enter gebruiken.

Ook schepte "It was indeed high standard, this village where every year [...]" verwarring bij mij. In mijn nederige mening, zou je beter "The village lived up to its name, since every year [...]". Dat klinkt een stuk beter, toch?

Verder is de introductie prettig en lokt de lezer in het dorpje, waar blijkbaar een totalitair regime heerst. De hoofdpersoon wordt enigszins vaag aangeduid, aangezien hij de hele tijd als 'he' wordt aangeduid, maar dit maakt alles ook uniek. Ik heb er 'vrede mee' als ik het lees, dus het is zeker niet verkeerd.

Ik ga nu ff korte puntjes na:

"'inconspicuously'" hoeft niet tussen aanhalingstekens, toch? Maar dat weet ik ook niet zeker.

"He squeezed his eyes to tiny slits" is mooi woordgebruik...

Verder vallen de korte zinnen echt op, dus ik zou een paar zinnen, als dat kan, proberen aan elkaar te naaien. Het maakt het verhaal echt beter!

Oh ja, fuck you; we doen hier niet aan 'problem?'.

Heh, het zijn inderdaad wel korte zinnen.
Het was ook de bedoeling dat de hoofdpersoon vaag bleef, sinds ik van plan ben hem later echt voor te stellen, of hem gewoon vaag te laten idd.
de aanhalingstekens bij 'inconspicuously' waren bedoeld om aan te duiden dat ze het niet echt onopvallend deden. Ze liepen gewoon langs en keken ongegeneerd naar binnen ^^.

okayokay, dan zal ik het de volgende keer zonder 'problem?' zeggen.
bedankt voor de review ^^, ik zal proberen de zinnen wat langer te maken. Structuur enzo, dat zei Machteld ook al :P.

Ah, het was Machteld die je de grote tips gaf. Heeft ze inderdaad goed gezien.
Dan zie ik inderdaad hoe 'inconspicuously' zo is geschreven, my bad.

En inderdaad, please refrain from using the word 'problem' in such a context, sir Samsatus.

Idd, also, I changed the problem part. Who knows you'll be less unhappy with it :P?
Anyway, edited the structure of the sentences too, I'm not asking you to read it again (that would be mean xd), just saying.

Net gekeken, ziet er beter uit... netjes.

Glad you like it ^^, ik heb het ook al verder geschreven xd. Wanna see?